Hi all, been dealing with a lot of stuff lately but wanted you to know I am still here and alive. It’s hard to write this because what I have been going through has changed my approach to all of this. I started this journey with the right intentions, getting healthier and getting the life I wanted. Somewhere along the way that became about numbers, and sizes, and trying to live up to expectations I believed everyone else had of me, and not about being happy for myself. I became obsessed with keeping the scale moving and started to do some really bad things the last three or four months to do that. Disordered behavior that can result from an obsession with weight loss & numbers, and not just focusing on how I feel. I can see that now and I am glad I realized it before I did more damage than I already did. I have spent the last few weeks, since I turned 40, re-evaluating what I have been doing, what made me happy, and what I wanted. What I have come to realize is that pursuing lower and lower weights was not what made me happy, I liked the feedback & praise I got but that was a temporary high and not me being true to myself. I have been talking with a counselor about this and working on what will be right for me. What I have determined is that sharing every step of my journey and moment of my life here started out as a positive thing for me but has become something negative, that I was using to control behaviors that I should not have been doing in the first place. So I will not be posting as much. I need to focus on taking care of me. To that end, I am still working out and am eating healthier than I used to, but have loosened my restrictions. Have I regained some weight? Yes, and I am perfectly okay with that. I feel good, I move good and for the first time in a while I can honestly say I am truly happy. I don’t expect all of you to understand that or support it. But what I have realized too is that it is not about pleasing people that read my page or even exist in my life. I have to work hardest to make sure I am doing what I need to for me. I hope you can understand that. If you cannot, honestly, there is not much I can do about it. So if you know me off line, know that I might not want to talk about this as much as I have been this past year. It’s just what I need to do in order to make me right, right now. That is all for now. I do truly hope everyone is doing well for themselves and their own journeys. Like I said, I may not be posting as much, but I am still here.
So this is the next topic in DragynAlly’s April Blog Challenge and to be honest with you I have been struggling with this one the past few days, hence my blog is late…
The struggle has not been about finding someone in my life who inspires me but picking just one person. Heck, picking just five would be really hard. I started a list and I got to about 25 people, and then I thought, “OMG what if I leave someone off the list?!?” This topic was creating way too much stress, until I had a moment of clarity and realized where most of my inspiration was coming from these days… myself.
That’s not to say that I am holding myself up as the end all, be all when it comes to inspiration. What I mean is that I have realized this past year that what it really took for me to be ready to make change was not something I saw in other people, or was given, it was something inside of me that I had just chosen not to recognize yet. Now that I have I feel completely unstoppable, no matter what the challenge is that i face. I think that is a great place to be and one I encourage you to find for yourself.
So simply put, be your own inspiration. Be proud of the choices and changes you make to better yourself and let them build upon each other. Each good choice leads to another and soon you may find that a year of great choices have passed and you’re at or close to reaching your goals. I know that this is what happened to me.
Sometimes this is the song that gets me through a rough work out day. Don’t judge. This lyric in particular hit me today as my 40th birthday looms 5 days in the distance…
"Sometimes you reach what’s real just by making believe
There is joy to be claimed in this world
You even might wind up being glad to be you!”
I’d say that right now, I am pretty darn glad to me. What about you?
For most of my adult life I have had at least 6 X’s in my life. That’s to say that when I went to buy clothing in X sizes, for most of my adult life the size I immediately grabbed was a 6XL. Some of you may not even have known they made clothes that size. Well they do, and bigger, because yes, for a few years there I was actually wearing 7XL and 8XL depending on the shirt. The bathing suit I bought at my heaviest? A 9XL. So that you can wrap your brain around that, here’s a pic of that suit with my new XL bathing suit.
Yes that is my kitchen table being almost completely covered by my old bathing suit that actually fit me. But as I said, my most constant companion in the world of big & tall sizes was the 6XL. When you wear a 6XL you are at the very biggest size the Big & Tall stores carry in stock, go one size bigger and you can only find your clothing online. There is no testing them out first and seeing how they fit, you just click on the image and buy them.
Now just because I could go to the Casual Male XL and find some 6XL items did not mean I had a lot of selection. And don’t get me started on the prices for clothing that size. When I started just over a year ago, I was comfortably in a 6XL and could get into a few 5XLs depending on the style and brand. One of the goals I laid out for myself was fitting in an XL. Just one X, not 2, or 3 or 9. Just one.
I’ve been chasing this goal for a while too. I was hoping to get there by Christmas but I did not. I have a few XL shirts I have been dying to wear so I try them on every so often. Always too tight in one area or another. I could see my body changing but I was just not ready for the shirt. Today that changed.
I was spending the day cleaning my room, organizing my book shelves and closets, etc. I decided while sorting laundry to try on one of the XL test shirts. It fit. I was excited yet cautious. I grabbed another, it fit too. Today I have finally realized one of my major goals. I can wear an XL shirt. Now The shirts I tried on were t-shirts, not sure if I am ready for an XL button down yet but I am certainly close, closer than I have been since my senior year of high school at least!!
The feeling of accomplishment is incredible. I don’t define myself by the number of X’s on my shirt tag, but needing just one X certainly opens up many new doors to me in terms of shopping and clothes, etc. I take that as a nice Non-Scale Victory (NSV).
Here is a picture of me in one of my XL shirts. It is a t-shirt that my good friend and often training Chris had made for me at Christmas as inspiration. He knows my love of Disney and added one of his favorite quotes from my blog. The front of the shirt is Mickey with the tagline “Training In Process.”
The back reads…
"Which is it…
Can’t or Won’t?
It’s Your Choice!”
Today, my choice is Will & Have!
Today’s blog challenge is to talk about a goal I want to accomplish. You guys know many of my goals and I have even recently highlighted some of my long term goals. I decided instead to discuss a new one that has arisen the past week or so…
Ok, no, I do not necessarily want to look like Schwarzenegger, calm down. lol. I do however want to be able to what he is doing there, a pull up. I have never been able to do one in my life and I was watching someone pound them out at the gym last week and I though, “Dang it, I want to do that!” So the gauntlet is thrown, I want to be able to do a pull up. Let’s make it interesting and try to set a deadline… how about Thanksgiving of this year? Sounds good to me! Wish me luck!
Every year Walt Disney World hosts several running events. The biggest of them all is Marathon Weekend, during which time they hold a Marathon, a half-marathon, a 10K and a 5K. For years I have read about these events, how awesome they are, how well run they are, etc. but I never thought I would be a part of one.
Yesterday I was bit down about the fact that a charity walk I wanted to do at Disney later this year was just not going to happen for me. As if by divine intervention, I saw mention that registration for the marathon opened yesterday. I decided to check it out and discovered the Family Fun 5K was also open, though it was almost 90% full already. I knew I only had a few minutes to decide, and couldn’t even secure permission for the time off right away, but I registered anyway!! That’s right, I signed up to do an actual RACE!
Now yes, it is a 5K and I have done one already but that one was just a walk. This event has a pacing requirement. I will need to cut 5min off of my mile pace I do now in order to do the race. If I don’t meet that pace, I will be picked up in a van and driven to the finish line. How embarrassing!!! So I will need to actually train for this event. I am excited!
The race happens at EPCOT in January. So I have around 8 months to get ready. I feel like this is the perfect event for me to challenge myself with, because of what is required and of course because of where it is being held. You see, going to this race will mean I get to check in one on my very first goals I set when I started this journey. And that goal is…
Riding Space Mountain!! Look at those seats, so thin. I know I will fit now, even though the last time I road this attraction I was squeezed in so tight that I injured myself. That was New Year’s 2000. Since then, I just never tried again because I knew I would not fit. When I sat down and thought about starting to get healthier and make changes, riding Space Mountain was one of the first goals that surfaced. I’ve always had a connection to that place so going back there to run an actual race will be a big deal.
The bonus is now I get to plan a Disney trip too, one of my absolute favorite things in the world! The other planning component I need to work on is getting my mile pace down and working on actually running/jogging. To that end, I am going to start a Couch to 5K plan next week. There are a ton of them out there and I think I found one that starts off gently enough for my poor battered knees. I will definitely fill you all in on the details of it soon!
For now, thank you for sharing in my enthusiasm. I am very excited for this opportunity and if you’re running a Disney race that weekend, let me know!!!
A little Throwback Thursday for you! On the left, me at Disneyland in 2008 (I believe!) and on the right, at the 5K in Hartford a few weeks ago. :-)
The third challenge in DragynAlly’s April Blog Challenge is your favorite color and why. The first part of that was easy, it’s blue. The why is not an easy thing to sort out. I’m honestly not sure why. Most likely it’s because deep blue reminds me of water and I love swimming, or possible the blue sky and its limitless possibilities? I like either of those!